Lesser of the Two Evils
by red mage1
Summary: Mary Sue, Gary Stu, Radagast the Brown, and Tom Bombadil battle against Engrish in Middle-Earth.
1. The Counsel of Elrond

Middle-Earth was changing: some things that should not be were, and other things were that should be were not. In the place called Rivendell, the Council of Elrond sat gathered in debate, one which could determine the fate of Middle-Earth.

"We cannot harness this power," protested a wide-eyed Legolas. "You were not there, when I was attacked by the fans..."

"We have no choice," countered Gandalf. "I want no more to make alliance with them than you do. I understand why you especially are hesitant." He paused a bit. "But without the Two, we have no chance against the otherworldly invasion." The wizard gestured to a pair of impossibly attractive teenagers sitting in the center of the circle.

Elrond stood and addressed everyone. "I am sure you are all familiar with the tale of Mary Sue and Gary Stu. At first, there were only a few, lusting after Legolas or Arwen and slaying Saurman and Sauron with ease. Then, in time, the Sues and Stus became more numerous, outnumbering and outshining us canon characters. Ilúvatar saw this, and it was not good. He smote all the Avatars save these two."

"Elvish lies," grunted Gimli Glorin's son. "Everyone knows the sues became extinct through natural selection when Legolas wouldn't mate with them."

"Excuse me," interrupted the raven-haired teenage boy. "Are we done with this boring talking? I want to go kill something and reclaim my title as King of Barad-dûr."

"Barad-dûr?" repeated Elrond. "That's the Elvish name for..."

"Okay, okay, I admit it." Gary Stu waved his hands back and forth. "I just saw the name on the map, but it sounded cool."

"I want to stab something will my cool sword," said Mary Sue as she unsheathed a broadsword nearly as long as she was tall.

"But that's a broadsword, not a pike," corrected Aragorn. "One does not stab..." He reminded himself yet again of who he was talking to. "Nevermind."

"Normal," began Elrond. "we would not cooperate with Sues such as yourselves. However, a greater evil has arisen, forcing us to side with the lesser of the two evils."

"So what's this evil?" Mary Sue twirled her golden hair. "Sauron?"

"No, an evil beyond Sauron. It overthrew Him and took His place as Dark Lord."

"Morgoth?" guessed Gary Stu as he flipped through his new copy of _Canon for Dummies_.

"No."

"Voldemorte?" guessed Mary Sue.

Elrond cringed. "No."

"The Angerthas!" shouted Gary Stu as his finger landed on something else in the canon guidebook. Mary Sue scooted over beside Gary Stu and joined in guessing.

"Glorfindel!" was her first guess.

"Smaug!"

"Oliphaunts!"

"Gil-Galad!"

"Narsil!"

"Samwise Gamgee!"

There was a huge crash of thunder. Surrounded by whirling mass of gray, Gandalf towered over the mere mortals. "Impertinent fools! I, Gandalf, will knock you all down!" The energy dissipated, and Gandalf was left looking strangely weak. "It's already starting... I must go rest."

As Gandalf walked away, Elrond began speaking. "You just heard it, what Gandalf said. We are battling a force known as Engrish. It affects all manner of speech and writing, turning it all into pathetic phrases like _'I will knock you all down.'_ "

"What must we do?" asked Mary Sue as she batted her eyelashes. Having trained to resist Mary Sues, Elrond continued. She was six-and-a-half thousand years too young for him anyway. Then again, his own daughter married a Man she was three hundred times older than, so who was he to judge?

"You must destroy all Engrish," commanded Elrond, "by slaying the four Engrish commanders, the Transrators. Doing so will free Middle-Earth."

"Great!" yelled Mary Sue. "Who's going with us?" 

"Only characters that appeared in the movies are affected. Therefore, the third Istari in Middle-Earth will be your guide."

One of the people sitting in the circle that the two had not noticed before stood up. He looked like Gandalf somewhat, having the form of an old Man, except his robes were a ruddy brown color. "My name is Radagast the Brown," said the wizard.

"Excuse me?" said Gary Sue indignantly. "We get some Gandalf wannabe?"

"He is the fourth most powerful being in Middle-Earth," said Elrond with a hint of anger.

Gary Stu shrugged. "Can't we get Galadriel? She has all sorts of power, plus she's hot."

Arwen shot Gary Stu a glance. "You're talking about my grandmother."

"Do we get any more guy besides old Rad here?" asked Mary Sue hopefully.

"Of course. The eldest being in Middle-Earth will join you in the Old Forest near the Shire, where you should make your way first."

And so the trio set off for the Shire, ready to fight the Engrish onslaught and make names for themselves as something other than an annoying original character or a pathetic wizard who likes to hang around birds.


	2. The Rod to the Old Forest

Radagast motioned straight ahead with his wizard's staff. "To get to the Shire, we just follow this road west."

"So," began Gary Stu, "tell us about this eldest being in Middle-Earth."

"I've never met him," said Radagast, "though Gandalf knows him well. He calls himself Bombadil."

"Bombadil, eh?" Mary Sue sighed. "I hope he's cute."

A week's journey of Gary Stu practicing being angsty, Mary Sue babbling about Legolas, and Radagast trying to ignore them both, the road took the group to the town of Bree.

"Yo!" yelled Gary Stu as he banged on the gates to the town. "We need a place to crash for the night!"

"Of sleeping room we have many," said the gatekeeper as he cracked the gate open. "Make yourself a home."

"That doesn't make any sense," Mary Sue mumbled.

"That's Engrish!" realized Radagast. "Look ! Up in the sky!" Fluttering in the breeze was the Union Jack with a red disc superimposed on the center. "Bree has already fallen to the Enemy!"

"Will you sleep with us tonight?" asked the helpful gatekeeper.

Mary Sue's eyes opened wide. "Eww! Pervert!" Mary Sue drew from her cloak the sacred hammer Bakâ. She steadied the huge weapon and with both hands swung at the poor chap.

Radagast yelled at him to watch out after it was already too late. The hammer swooshed past the Man's face, missing him by inches, then flew out of Mary Sue's hands and spiraled off into parts unknown.

"You'll have to forgive the girl," said Radagast. "She's a bit touched. Actually, we're on our way toward the Shire."

"We have many hoppits in Bree," said the gatekeeper.

Radagast started walking gown the road toward the Shire. "You two come on. Time is not our ally in this quest."

"So that was Engrish," muttered Gary Stu. "It didn't seem all that bad."

Radagast shuttered. "That was only mild Engrish. Here's the inscription on the One Ring in Engrish."

Gary Stu took the piece of parchment Radagast produced from his robe and read it aloud.

_"When entirely it brings those of the darkness,_

In order for those to find, one ring which entirely

Controls those of the land of Mordor which has a shadow."

"What in the name of me is this garbage?" said Gary Stu.

"We will all speak like that soon if the Quest fails. Come, Bombadil awaits."


	3. In the House of Tom Bombadil Part II

Radagast the Brown lead the two avatars deep into the Old Forest, and the forest got darker and darker as they neared the dwelling place of the eldest being in Middle-Earth. Finally, Mary Sue spotted a small wooden house through the dense foliage.

The three stood outside the house, wondering what to do next, when out of the house came a thing neither Mary Sue nor Gary Stu expected. He was taller than a hobbit but shorter than a man, being about five feet tall. He appeared most like an old Man, with his long brown beard. Most striking of all, he wore a bright blue jacket, yellow boots, and a feathered cap. And he was singing.

_"Old Tom Bombadil was a merry old fellow,_

Bright blue his jacket was, and his boots were yellow."

Tom stopped his merry rhyme a moment when he noticed the three just standing outside his house. "Oh! Who are you?"

"I am Radagast, a friend of Gandalf. Are you Tom Bombadil?"

Tom adjusted his hat. "Do you see any other folk wearing a bright blue jacket and yellow boots?"

"No..."

"Then I must be Tom!" Tom bowed to his guests. "Would you like to come inside for tea?"

Gary Stu smirked. "Tea? Ahem, excuse me, but we don't 'do' tea."

Radagast nodded his head. "It would be an honor, Tom."

Tom laughed. "Guests! I must tell Goldberry to fix us tea!" Tom strolled back inside.

"That's Bombadil?" questioned Mary Sue. "I was expecting a hot elf guy."

"This Tom Bombadil may be more powerful than he lets on," countered Radagast.

"I don't think so," disagreed Gary Stu. "It looks like we're dealing with an overgrown leprechaun."

At Bombadil's urging the three walked into the home. It was a quaint little place, furnished with wooden furniture and two doors leading into other rooms. Standing over a cooking fire watching the kettle of tea was a pretty blonde-haired woman in an apron.

"Good work, my fair Goldberry," said Tom. "Here are our guests. They can introduce themselves."

"Radagast the Brown," said the wizard with a bow. "Pleased to meet you. These two are Mary Sue and Gary Stu."

"Hi!"

"'Sup."

And so the three already on the quest had a spot of tea with Tom Bombadil and Goldberry, River-daughter. Mary Sue loved the drink; at least she was getting some caffeine, though the tea was bitterer and less carbonated than she would have liked. The whole time Gary Stu couldn't take his eyes off Goldberry, for she was the first chick he'd seen since the company left Rivendell.

"That tea was great," said Mary Sue. "Thanks!"

"Yes." Gary Stu looked at Tom. "One might even call it..." he paused for emphasis, "magically delicious."

"Thanks to my lovely wife Goldberry," Tom Bombadil said. "Here's a song for her!

_"O fair Goldberry, fairer than the flowers_

Brighter than the noon-day sun and softer than the showers."

Tom went on in this manner for about ten minutes, improvising the song in perfect rhyme and iambic pentameter on the spot just like any Tolkien character worth anything can do. When he finished, took off his blue jacket, revealing a green corset, and sat back down. "Would you like to sing next, Gary Stu?"

Gary Stu cleared this throat. What to sing... "I'll sing another ode to Goldberry."

"Goldberry River-daughter was a winsome lass

With a pretty face and a nice little..."

"As much fun as we're having," interrupted Radagast, "I must ask you a serious question, Tom."

"Ask whatever you wish," said Tom.

"Middle-Earth is under attack by something called Engrish. We need your help in vanquishing it."

"I will keep it away from the Old Forest, for it does not belong here, but why does the rest of Middle-Earth need me? Let the Men and Elves and Dwarves and hobbits and Ents take care of it."

"You don't understand, Mr. Bombadil," Radagast countered. "Middle-Earth's speech will become twisted and terrible. Eventually even your song will be affected. Then it will sound like this." Radagast thought for a moment, then recited Tom's first couplet in Engrish.

"The Old Tom Bombay dill, being cheerful, was the old companion.

As for bright blue there be to that jacket that boots yellow."

"That is no song of Tom Bombadil," said Tom. "That is babbling."

"Do you want your music to sound like that?" asked the wizard. "And here's a nice Engrish ode to Goldberry."

_"O it is thin as the thin stick._

Clearly clear water of O!

The lead of O with the pool which has lived!

As for the River-daughter!"

"I love my songs, so I will go with you to stop it," said Tom.

"When do we leave?" asked Mary Sue.

"We'll go the morrow," Tom said as she took off his feathered cap, "but let us enjoy the night in the House of Tom Bombadil first."

"Is that a swan feather?" asked Radagast.

"Yes. I always keep a feather in my cap."

Gary Sue nodded. "So one could say that's one of your... lucky charms?"

"I couldn't stop one from saying that, nor two or three or four for that matter," Tom said.

There were several interesting questions during supper that night. Among them:

"Tom, where did you come from?"

"Tom, where did Goldberry come from?"

"Tom, where do babies come from?"

"Tom, what's the meaning of life?"

"Tom, could you pass me a fork?"

"Tom, if a Ranger leaves Bree traveling at 12 mph toward Rohan, and at the same time a Ranger leaves Rohan traveling toward Bree at 8 mph, where do the two Rangers meet?"

"Leaving tomorrow," yawned Gary Stu as he got ready to go to bed. "We might even go to the... end of the rainbow. Who knows? We may even find a... pot of gold."

"What use would I have with a pot of gold?" Tom Bombadil wondered out loud as they turned in for the night. "Except if I poured the gold out and used the pot to cook."


	4. The Load to Rivendell

Gary Stu yawned as he stretched and stood up after a good night's sleep. He began to go into the next room to say good morning to Tom and Goldberry, but before he could merry old Tom Bombadil and Goldberry burst through the door.

Tom's sung-of bright blue jacket and yellow boots were gone, replaced by emerald green versions of the same. The swan feather in his hat was replaced by a shamrock, and Tom's hair had changed from brown to red.

"Aye! G'mornin' laddie!" said Tom Bombadil.

"Y.. you!" stammered Gary Stu. "You're a leprechaun!"

"Aye! Now, Tom O'Bombadil and Goldberry River-daughter will Riverdance!"

Right on cue, Radagast the Brown started fiddling and Mary Sue began playing jig on a flute. Tom and Goldberry started doing the Riverdance, which involved holding their arms to their sides and dancing with only their feet. After watching for minute or so, Gary Stu decided to join in, and started Riverdancing as well.

Suddenly, there was a crack of thunder and a swirl of energy, and Tom... changed. He towered over the mere mortal Gary Stu, just like Gandalf the Gray had. "There can only be one Lord of the Dance," boomed Tom the Green, "and he does not share power!" Tom pointed a shillelagh at Gary Stu, and...

Gary Stu's eyes opened with a start. He was back lying on the floor of the house. Mary Sue and Radagast were already up and Tom stood in the corner of the room, back wearing his original jacket and boots and feather. When Gary Stu decided to close his eyes and get a bit more sleep, he was rewarded with a customized motivational Tom Bombadil song.

_"Rise up, Gary Stu, rise, rise!_

To fight Engrish we so despise!

Up, up, up, Stu, to the floor, to the floor!

So you can slay the Engrish that you abhor!"

"Is Tom always like this?" asked Mary Stu.

"Yes," said Goldberry with a smile.

"Even when you're..." Mary Sue whispered something in Goldberry's ear, because Mary Sues are always modest.

Goldberry giggled. "Yes."

Tom gathered up a few possessions for the journey and placed them in a sack that he threw over his shoulder. He kissed Goldberry on the cheek. "How I wish I could take the fair Goldberry with me in my sack instead of bread and boots!"

Goldberry kissed Tom goodbye as she heard Gary Stu mumbling something about loving to have her in the sack.

"I'll protect the forest while Tom Bombadil is away," the blonde-haired woman said.

"Make sure naughty Old Man Willow doesn't act up," Tom told his wife.

"What's Old Man Willow?" asked Mary Sue, not having read the book. "Is he, like, an Ent or something?"

Tom nodded. "Yes, he's like an Ent, except that he's not."

Tom and Goldberry exchanged a last farewell, then the Company sat out on their Quest to... well, somewhere.

"Now where?" asked Mary Sue as she unfolded the map. "I like we should go back to Rivendell," she suggested. "We might get to see Legolas..."

"That may be the best decision," Radagast agreed. "The Wise may very have some new information on the Engrish."

"Merry-o! Merry-o! Off to see the Elves we go!" sang Tom Bombadil as the Four began the journey back to Rivendell.

The journey to the Old Forest was long and boring, but the journey back was anything but boring with Tom Bombadil along. The words grating and mind-bending may come to mind, but not boring. By the time the four arrived back at Bree, Radagast was sure Elrond's purpose in choosing Bombadil for this quest was to cause the Engrish to go insane.

"Look!" exclaimed Gary Stu as a hobbit walked out of the city gates of Bree.

"Excuse me," asked the hobbit, "but where are you going to?"

Gary Sue unsheated his sword. "He ended a sentence with a preposition! He's one of them!" Before the poor halfling could protest, he was backed up against the outer walls of Bree with Gary Stu's sword to his neck.

"Oh no, kind sir!" babbled the hobbit. "I'm not one of them! I don't even know who they are!"

Radagast spoke up. "Gary Stu, I do not think..."

Gary Stu ignored him. "Have you ever been to an Engrish meeting?"

"Oh no, sir!" the hobbit managed. "I bet the Tooks were there, that's the sort of thing them Tooks would do. Oh, and the Bucklanders too, with their queer boats and all."

What happened next was hard to sort out. In some order, Mary Sue waylaid Gary Stu with the Great Hammer Bakâ, Tom started singing a merry tune, the wrongfully accused hobbit escaped and took off down the road as fast as his legs would carry him, and Radagast wondered what in Middle-Earth was going on. At any rate, it all ended with Gary Stu regaining consciousness a few hours later.

Tom Bombadil sang a new ode to Gary Stu as the part made their way to Rivendell.

_"Gary Stu they say was a violent old chap,_

Who loved to pick on a poor hobbit sap.

Got too picky about his grammar;"

Met the end of Mary Sue's hammer."


	5. River Dale

As the party neared Rivendell, Mary Sue sensed something was wrong. Her mystical Sue powers gave her the ability to vaguely foresee bad things happening. Something... terrible was happening in Rivendell. 

"Guys, I have a bad feeling about this," said Mary Sue as the Four approached the Last Homely House..

"What's wrong, Mary Sue?" asked Tom.

"Nothing..." she said at last. "Off to see my Leoglas again!".

As the four walked closer to Rivendell, a feeling of impending doom fell over Mary Sue, Gary Stu, and Radagast as they walked back into Rivendell. (Tom was unaffected, and he kept on singing like he never even noticed.) It felt like the Shadow over the land of Mordor, only worse.

The first Elf the company saw Mary Sue and Gary Stu didn't recognize. He stumbled away from the site where the Council of Elrond met, looking badly wounded..

"Glorfindel!" yelled the wizard as he ran to help the struggling Elf. He caught him as he collapsed. "Glorfindel! What happened?".

"Engrish..." muttered the dazed Elf. "Elrond... Elessar... lost...".

Radagast looked at Mary Sue. "Do you know healing magic?".

Mary Sue nodded, put her hand on Glorfindel's forehead, and began chanting in a tongue called Fake Elvish. _"Esse Elendil anga calma Legolas anca Galadriel..."_

Radagast shook his head. "You're not Elvish. You must cast the spell in the ancient tongue of your people.".

"But I can't speak the ancient tongue of my people!" protested Mary Sue. "I don't even know what the ancient tongue of my people is!".

"Try Latin!" yelled Gary Stu..

Mary Sue took a deep breath. She put her hands on Glorfindel's chest, moving them around slightly. Ooh, muscles... She moved her hands up to his shoulders, where she started doing the same..

"You're supposed to heal him, not seduce him!" yelled Radagast..

"The spell takes care," said Mary Sue slowly as she ran her hands down the tunic of the second-in-hotness-only-to-Legolas Elf. Just as she began to remove the tunic....

Radagast's staff struck the ground with a crash. A flock of eagles descended from sky and circled above the Brown Istari. "Fool of a Sue! Do not take me for some character in a cheap lemon!".

Mary Sue hung her head in fear, then squeaked out something in Latin. _"E Pluribus Unum."_

The "spell" did nothing and Glorfindel's breathing began to slow. Now what? The first thought to go through Mary Sue's head was to make sure she died happy, because she was quite certain Radagast was going to kill her..

Then, out of the blue, Tom Bombadil walked over to the traumatized Elf. "Get up, young Elf!" he commanded. "And heed old Ben-adar! Get up Glorfindel, 'fore Sue has thee laid flatter!"

Glorfindel stirred, then immediately stood to his feet. "Iarwain Ben-adar?" he said in disbelief. "What are you doing in Rivendell?".

Radagast faced Glorfindel. "That is not important! What about the Engrish?".

"They've taken the whole Council," said Glorfindel. "Everyone. Elrond, Mithrandir, Elessar, Legolas. Boromir, the Halflings, and the Dwarf, they've all fallen to the Engrish.".

The five raced to the place where the Council of Elrond took place. The gravity of the situation was undermined somewhat, though, by Tom and Gary Stu improvising an ode to Mary Sue..

_"Of the virtues of Mary Sue the ancient tales tell,"_

"But says I they were written while partaking of ale."

"Far and wide, merry-o, men sing of her p'wer,"

"But don't let her heal you 'less you want a new heir."

At the site of the Council of Elrond stood the same people that were there before. Or at least, they appeared the same. Then Aragorn opened his mouth.

"You'd said you'd give me all your advantages," said the Dúnedain to Arwen.

Elrond grabbed Gandalf's staff and smacked Aragorn upside the head. "You spoony Ranger!"

"There is no real Rangers," pronounced Boromir.

"What in the world are they talking about?" Gary Stu demanded to know.

Radagast the Brown shook his head. "We'll never know. This is what Engrish does."

"Legolas!" cried Mary Sue as she ran up to her lust object. "Are you okay?"

"I'm heir to the throne of Condo!" Legolas declared for no apparent reason.

Boromir turned away from the Elf. "Condo have no king."

Radagast pulled the map from his robes to figure out where Condo might be. He looked first at Gondor, then to his horror something strange happened to the map. The ink that formed the letters "Mirkwood" began moving in a very Potter-esque fashion, forming itself into the word "Condo."

"They've altered canon!" yelled Radagast. "Gandalf!" he called to his fellow Istari, "Where did the Engrish go?"

"There is no Engrand in the middle of the earth," responded Gandalf.

Radagast looked over the map, mainly at Condo, which was Mirkwood before. Could the Engrish have captured Dol Gulder from the Nazgûl? "Is there a Transrator in Dol Gulder?" the wizard asked Gandalf slowly.

"There no more Nymphromancers in Dol Gulder."

"What about the Nazgûl? Are the Ringwraiths still in Dol Gulder?"

"The Ring-raves went to somewhere else," responded Gandalf the Gray.

And so the Four left for Dol Gulder in Mirkwood/Condo to battle the Transrator. Even Bombadil seemed a tiny bit more serious as he composed a song for the moment.

_"Tom Bombadil was the heir of none_

He had no use for the Ring called One

Three went to Mirkwood and he went 'long

Against the Engrish, to save his song."__


	6. Forest of Condo

Dol Gulder was the same distance from Rivendell as Bree, but it was by no means easier. The road took the four into the Misty Mountains as soon as they left Rivendell. Luckily for them, the orcs were nowhere to be seen, so they had a relatively peaceful trek compared to Bilbo and Thorin's company.

However, going through the rocky and steep terrain of the mountains wasn't exactly the most fun thing in the world. By the time they reached the other side of the mountain range two days later, Mary Sue's beautifully made Elven dress was dirty and torn in several places, Gary Sue had several self-inflicted sword wounds that came from trying to "look cool" while fighting, and Radagast was beginning to sing along with Tom in spite of himself.

As the four passed through the eastern foothills of the mountains, Radagast unfurled the map and began to plot their course from there. One solution was to follow the Anduin south to Lórien, then head east. It would be easier, however, to just make their way through Mirkwood: he knew the area well, having lived there for well over a thousand years.

That evening, the party came to the Old Ford, the shallows where the road crossed the river. Radagast checked the map once again. "We cross the river Anduin here, and continue on," he announced to his three companions. Tom seemed not to care, instead looking at a nice lilypad he could take home to Goldberry. The other two were a bit more distraught.

"Are we almost there yet?" asked Mary Sue hopefully. "I'm tired."

"We have about four days walking through Mirkwood, or Condo if you call it that. We will continue on to my home a few miles to the north, where we will spend the night."

"Wow!" Mary Sue's spirits brightened. "Do you have a cool tower like Saruman?"

"No. I live in a comfortable wooden home near the edge of the forest."

Mary Sue shook her head. "Not worth the trouble. Let's just rest here for the night."

Gary Stu agreed. "The Enemy may be watching your house. It's best to stay here."

"But the Enemy is not watching my home," explained Radagast. "I am not well know in the tales of Arda, that is why I was chosen for this quest." The two, however, refused to see his point at all, and Tom couldn't care less either way, so the wizard finally gave in. Radagast reminded himself he was traveling with these two because they were practically invincible in battle, or so he was told. He found that hard to believe at this point.

As the sun set over the Misty Mountains to the west, the four settled for the night. Radagast used a spell to light a small fire to see by. Tom Bombadil talked of the world before the Third Age, and some stuff about a Goth guy and the elves fighting against an evil god or something. It all sounded rather boring to Mary Sue and Gary Stu.

"I'm going to go bathe in the river," Mary Sue declared. She smiled innocently. "No peeking!"

Gary Stu looked up at her. "And you assume we'd want to?"

"You never know..." countered Mary Sue. "One could succumb to their secret desires and maybe take a quick glance. One glimpse of my soft, moist skin glistening in the moonlight, my golden hair shimmering in the dark, my deep green eyes with the stars of the heavens reflected in them..." she trailed off as she walked toward the river.

"I believe she wrote a just wrote a love ode to herself," said Tom as he looked into the fire.

Gary Stu smirked. "She's too far gone into some fantasy about Legolas. It's pathetic, falling in love with some..."

Radagast turned to Gary Stu. "You seemed to be very admirable of Arwen Evenstar at the Council of Elrond."

Gary Stu stood immediately, tossing in cloak aside to look dramatic. "Hey! Leave my Elf-babe out of this! And when Aragorn gets seduced by that..." he pointed in the direction of Mary Sue, "Arwen's going to need someone to comfort her." Gary Stu began gazing into the fire, lost in his own thoughts.

Come morning, the four set off for Mirkwood forest and arrived at the edge of the wood not long after. Mary Sue and Gary Stu could see why a Dark Lord would choose Mirkwood for a fortress: it was, well... dark. Off the road, the forest was even denser, seeming pitch black to their unadjusted eyes. Tom Bombadil was less unsettled, but still he didn't like this dark place as much as the Old Forest. Well, at least they were still on the road.

"We go that way." Radagast picked up his staff and motioned into the pitch darkness to their right.

"This can't be where Legolas is from!" moaned Mary Sue as she followed Radagast through the dense shrubbery. "It's... too dark! It should be a happy place!"

Radagast started to defend the woods, but Mary Sue went on. "It should have sunlight and rainbows and waterfalls and butterflies..."

Gary Stu chimed in. "Oh! And hearts, and stars, and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of gold... Sound familiar, Tom?" He still hadn't given up on the Tom is a Leprechaun theory completely.

"No, can't say as I've heard that one," said Tom honestly, who decided to work some of that into a new song.

"Bet Legolas is magically delicious, though," mumbled Mary Sue.

Two days later, around noon, at least it seemed like noon with more light seeping through the treetops than normal, Gary Stu though he heard a rustling in the bushes. He turned the direction of the noise, when suddenly he was face-to-face with some horrible... thing. He quickly unsheated his broadsword as quickly as he could.

_"Isildur!"_ he yelled as he slashed at the figure in front of him. For no real reason, his sword began to glow bright red. Radagast moved closer with his glowing staff, revealing the creature to be a huge troll, towering three feet over their heads. Undaunted, Gary Stu struck at the beast once again.

This time, he stuck the sword completely into the troll, then prepared to unleashed his mystic powers. Before he had a chance to mumble something in Latin, Japanese, or Fake Elvish, the troll stumbled back in pain. To the company's good fortune, it stumbled into a little patch of sunlight streaming through the trees. There was a grating noise as the troll's body turned to stone before their very eyes.

"We were fortunate," commented Radagast. "We must hurry on!"

"Fortunate like a Ringbearer!" yelled Gary Stu. "My sword's still stuck in that thing!"

"But we're still alive," pointed out Tom Bombadil.

"But I want it!" pouted Gary Stu. "It's mine! My own! It was given to me!"

Radagast sighed. "You can use Mary Sue's for now. I'll buy you a new sword when we get back to Rivendell."

"But... but..."

Radagast saw there was no way around it. He yelled something in Sindarian, and the stone troll exploded with a deafening roar. The four dove behind trees to avoid the stone shrapnel thrown into the air. When it cleared, Radagast picked Gary Stu's sword from among the debris and handed to him.

"This blade will never be quite as sharp again," he angsted. "Oh sword of Gary Stu, behold thine edges dulled..."

Unfortunately for Mary Sue and Radagast, Bombadil was only quietly humming, so nothing drowned out Gary's Stu's eulogy as they made their way toward Dol Gulder.

_"Gary Stu was a broken Man,_

He slew the troll by his own hand.

But cry he did when came the harm,

That befell his blade, his lucky charm."__


End file.
